For a while now, this question has been somewhere in the back of my mind. My life has definitely become a bit too formulaic. I tend to see everything as mathematical equations (thankfully, though, not as binormal vectors or linear recurrences). The advantages to this are great, as I mentioned in a previous post; it accounts for efficiency in a lot of areas of life, though I am still not a good decision-maker. Perhaps the only real downside is that life can just get boring when I feel like laws of nature are making decisions for me. Well, I’m also just a more boring person for it. And that certainly isn’t something I foresaw for myself.

I can guess what you’re thinking. But being quiet or shy doesn’t constitute a boring personality. In the past I know that I have been obscure at times, even enigmatic, but I’ve always managed to at least entertain myself. I always got my own droll, subtle, off-the-cuff remarks, and that was enough for me. But even my prepared writing seems to have been lacking the wit I have often displayed spontaneously in the past (people other than myself have occasionally found me funny, too). I think it probably all comes down to the fact that I haven’t been exercising those muscles lately, and I haven’t really found myself in enough social situations to do so. Of course I am going to university away from home, and haven’t done much to make friends here (I don’t like trying—I prefer when it just happens). In fact, I don’t hang out with or really talk to any guys here. Inconceivable! This is coming from a man who never spoke to a girl until high school.

Besides, my being shy has nothing to do with it. I’ve been shy for my whole life, and it hasn’t hindered me in any way from being cool—or uncool, whichever it is that I have been or am trying to be. This summer at work I was often at my wittiest (I just knew I’d think back to that horrible experience with fondness), but that’s because I was around people with whom I was comfortable. To people who intimidated me, and there are many, I was probably just known as the quiet guy.

I have played floor hockey here semi-regularly since September, and I’m pretty sure that I’m known within that group as the guy who doesn’t say anything and always gets frustrated with himself, or maybe as the guy who seems to have lost his scoring touch lately. It probably doesn’t help that one of the other players shares my name. I think I sometimes leave those games disliking my personality, and not even necessarily because I got upset. It’s hockey, and it’s with people who love hockey almost half as much as I do; I should be more sociable and bore myself less. At the same time, though, I am glad that my tacitness sometimes, though not always, prevents me from saying some of the careless things that even respectable people let slip from their lips unnoticed.

Now, since you’ve been subjected to my complaints and stuck it out, here are some things that I do want in my personality:

1. I want to be an honourable yet fierce competitor, without necessarily putting holes in church walls.

2. I want to be the eternal pessimist—“This is the worst day ever: first this happens, and who knows what else might happen”—while remaining the eternal optimist (Vince has promised to draft me with a late-round pick when he becomes an NHL GM. I swear I have it in writing somewhere).

3. I want to be the genius who comes up with such gems as “Dog brings home Stanley Cup,” and the entire “Vote for Thomas” presidential campaign, which was a thousand times better than “Vote for Pedro” or even “Vote for Rory” (thanks go out to my brother, my mom, and James (see attached image at the bottom—whether it made any sense in the campaign is debatable)).

4. I want to be the guy who goes out late at night, grabs McDonald’s, and plays highway soccer with Corey on Manitoba’s #6 (70-stretch for the Thompsonites).

5. I want to be the guy who will quote the The Matrix in its entirety at any given get-together (I realize that I am the only one who wishes this—except maybe Vince…Vince, you reading? Of course you aren’t).

6. I want to be the guy whom people want to always have around, and the guy who earns and keeps their respect over the course of many years.

7. I want to be the guy whose jokes nobody gets, but who gets full entertainment value from them himself—especially when being interviewed for the YC:Fusion testimonial video.

8. I want to be the guy with whom parents want their kids to associate, to be the guy whom they can think of as a role model, and to actually deserve it.

9. I want to make my mom spit out her drink on a student's test paper, that she hasn't yet finished marking, just one more time.

10. I want to try not alphabetizing something, just to see how it feels; but I won’t start with this list.

I wouldn’t normally do this, but I just heard somewhere that you all wanted to read another somber self-reflection piece. You’re welcome.

Labels: Brainstorm

Posted by Farewell, Free Will on Monday, December 18, 2006 at 3:12 a.m. | Permalink