My life thus far has been a battleground for my sense of duty and my eternal desire to create. I have come to wonder if I have any conscious control over the struggle’s outcome at all, because it is hard to think of major life choices wherein my decision mirrored my inner desire. I guess the thing that really confuses me is why I should feel a greater sense of duty to solve complex differential equations like a common machine than to write the music that only I can write. In fact, my greatest fear is that I will ultimately be a cruel master to my potential, never letting it out of its cage and forcing it to stagnate.

One of my favourite questions in the world to be asked is “So, what do you want to do when you’re done university?” My favourite answer so far has been “I want to turn 21.” Another is “So, what are you going to do with a math degree?” To that I replied, “Music.” They asked if math would help with that. Could math help with music? Hmm. That’d be quite a stretch. Do people actually think that I’m taking math on purpose, knowing I’m going to pursue a career in music? Wait a minute… if that’s not what I’m doing, then just what is?

I do owe mathematics a lot. It has aided immensely in my understanding of the world and how everything works. My self-acclaimed reasoning skills in particular probably owe more to mathematics than any other area of my life, and that is worth more than I can express. Math also kept me company through some lonely teen years (well, not exactly, but Vince and I had quite a time trying to figure out how to compute cube roots by hand – until I gave up and looked it up online). For what it’s worth, math allowed me to graduate with honours with distinction, and probably won me a $3000 entrance scholarship to the University of Saskatchewan. But math doesn’t make me feel excited about the future, and therefore it fails the litmus test I should be using to determine whether it is an acceptable career option.

The shortcomings of music as a career lie in unpredictability and its high disaster potential. Ten years down the road I might not necessarily be overwhelmingly happy, but I might be thankful that I completed my B.Sc. in Mathematics. If you discover that I have not changed courses over the next year, then you can safely assume that my sense of duty has defeated my sense of adventure and my caged desire yet again. You can also continue to wait patiently and in great anticipation for my upcoming CD.

The really big decisions in life are often governed by the smaller ones; they may even be consequences of them. Before we know it, we can be two years into a degree into which we don’t even really know how we got in the first place. I think that it is important to realize that every decision that is made is intended to be the best decision possible. A great way to learn from our mistakes is to recognize questionable decisions and use their results to adjust the criteria on which we base our decision making. That way, we can understand why we made certain decisions and learn to live with them, while also helping ourselves not to make the same mistakes in the future.

In conclusion, yes, it is exam time, and I have had two enormous math-related exams on the schedule (one down, one to go), so the posts have been and may continue to be sparser ‘til all is over.

Now, inspired by the ridiculous midterm exams of my calculus professor, Dr. John Martin, I will proceed to offer a multiple choice question to end things off. Any one of the answers is probably right.

Q. So Why Did I Start a Math Degree, Anyway?

a)

b) Math can be pretty fun.

c) I’m afraid of actually putting everything I've got into a pursuit of a music career.

d) I have absolutely no backbone.

Cheers.

Labels: Brainstorm

Posted by Farewell, Free Will on Wednesday, December 13, 2006 at 4:00 a.m. | Permalink